Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
R.I.P.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.