Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
How animals would run if they were human
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My sex drive has a dui