[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.