Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?