WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
What flavor cupcake are these
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE