Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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The fall of Netflix
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.