Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You Might Also Like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.