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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes