[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.