My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.