Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school