Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You Might Also Like
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299