[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”