Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
You Might Also Like
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works