Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.