Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Beauty and the Beast
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS