Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Ron is short for Aaronald
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”