Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
This could’ve been an email.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.