Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Leaving the Barbers like
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-