Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I did not eat the cake…
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed