[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You Might Also Like
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.