Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.