Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Cinematography is my passion
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?