Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.