Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
at ease…shoulder.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton