[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.