my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.