[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
For those that worship cheese..
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
any last words?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R