Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?