Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?