Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*