I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.