him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.