I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*gets down on one knee*
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.