judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No