I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
New menu item
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m not stressed
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.