OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The three genders.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.