Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.