A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.