4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*ernest hemingway voice*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.