me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
the three branches of government
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.