One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.