My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone