My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
There’s only one good girl here!
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
WTF IS THAT!
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
those birds must be on payroll
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts