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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
finally found a reasonable question
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes