I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
the three branches of government
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio