My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Holy moly
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG