Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Writing, She Murdered.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
And bowling should be called pinball
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?