Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[texting]
her: 馃崋+馃崙
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Past is the past, it鈥檚 all gravy under the bridge.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I don鈥檛 know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.