choose your fighter
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Lmfaoooooo
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.